Parents often tell children, “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.” Psychologist Juli Fraga says this popular encouragement can create unrealistic expectations and make setbacks feel like personal failures.
Fraga has worked with parents for more than 20 years. She argues that hard work alone cannot guarantee rare outcomes, such as becoming a pop star or entering an Ivy League university.
Constant focus on praise, grades and trophies can also strengthen external motivation. Children may then pursue activities mainly for rewards that remain partly outside their control.
Validate Fear and Teach Patience
Fraga recommends replacing unrealistic promises with: “Try new things, even if it feels scary.”
Parents can name fear before a child rides a bicycle, performs in a play or applies to college. They might say: “I know this is scary, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling this way.”
This emotional understanding creates what psychologists call attunement. Research links supportive parenting with stronger self-efficacy, motivation and academic resilience.
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Her second suggested phrase is: “Sometimes, it takes time for hard work to pay off.”
Social media can make success appear immediate. Parents should explain that progress usually develops over time. A growth mindset helps children believe they can improve abilities through effort, better strategies and continued learning.
Turn Disappointment Into Learning
Fraga’s third alternative is: “Disappointment is a learning opportunity.”
Children often admire famous musicians and athletes without understanding the talent, timing and luck behind exceptional success. Fraga cited becoming the next Olivia Rodrigo as one example of an unlikely ambition.
Parents should encourage children to try while remaining honest about possible outcomes. They can frame disappointment as an invitation to learn and try again.
Adults can also discuss their own setbacks. Examples could include missing a promotion or failing to earn an A despite studying hard. Such stories remind children that struggle and disappointment affect everyone.
Research on growth mindset supports treating setbacks as part of learning. However, experts caution that effort works best alongside useful strategies, constructive feedback and support.
Encourage Persistence With Realistic Expectations
Fraga suggests changing the familiar promise to: “If you put your mind to it, you can keep going.”
Persistence does not guarantee a trophy or first place. However, tenacity can support self-discipline, optimism, empathy and self-compassion. These qualities may protect mental health as children approach adolescence and adulthood.
They can also strengthen intrinsic motivation, which allows children to enjoy an activity regardless of praise or results.
Her final recommendation is: “You won’t be good at everything, and that’s OK.”
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Children who understand their limits can set more realistic goals. Fraga says this honesty can make them feel more capable and reduce excessive expectations of themselves and others.
Fraga co-authored “Parents Have Feelings, Too” and teaches workshops for expectant parents at the University of California, San Francisco. Her central message is that encouragement should build courage and resilience without promising outcomes that no parent can guarantee.
